Hello there, I’m Natalie! Thanks for stopping by. I’m new to this whole blog thing and I’m not sure I’m super into social media, but I wanted to give it a try as an outlet for myself and to keep in touch with family, friends, and any other visitors who happen to stumble across this site. My hope is to create a place where I can write and let my thoughts out (although I’m def not a writer lol). Maybe someone out there reading this will be going through a similar phase of life, having similar thoughts, or praying about the same things and maybe, just maybe, God can use me as a messenger.
A little bit about me if you’re interested:
I’m a follower of Christ, I’m married to my sweet husband, Trevor, an Air Force Pilot/Real Estate Investor, I have a loving family, I’m an aunt to Minnie Mae and Maggie Ann, and I am a nurse. We are originally from Columbia, MO and currently live in Tucson, AZ (moving to South Korea in June though!). We enjoy hiking and taking advantage of the gorgeous outdoors here in the southwest. I love all things related to faith/homemaking/travel/cooking/baking/[some] crafting and I hope to share some of these things with you!
Family Wedding Pics 
Family Wedding Pics 
My two ADORABLE nieces 
Me & the hubs
Some of the heavy:
This year has been full of transitions and to say it has been overwhelming would be an understatement. We got engaged, I moved to a new state (where I knew a total of 2 people) with the help of my mom, started a new job working night shift again, waited for Trevor to move to Arizona, planned a wedding from another state, got married, went on a quick honeymoon to San Diego, moved again with the help of Trevor’s Dad (who drove across the country in our U-haul!!!), finally moved in with my new husband (!!!), bought a rental property, renovated it, furnished it, and put it on AirBnB all in the span of 8 months!
See, lots of transitions! I handled it all beautifully, I made friends instantly, I never once doubted my decisions to move early, and I lived happily ever after.
Lol. If only.
…
Transitions are frequently times when anxiety can arise. Entering into an unknown world and getting thrown out of routines and familiar faces can cause those feelings of unrest and uncertainty. I knew in my mind that this was all true, but that didn’t keep me from struggling. Big time.
I had never lived anywhere but Columbia, Missouri. I knew all of 3 people residing in the state of Arizona. That month and a half when I was awaiting our wedding and knew that Trevor wouldn’t be moving down from Texas until sometime in September (oh and p.s. His moving dates kept changing because why shouldn’t they) caused me to experience some of the darkest times in my life. I had never felt more isolated, more lonely, more doubtful that I could last in this place by myself.
When I started my new job, I had some trouble getting back into the swing of working nights. Being exhausted all the time did not help my emotions and I had trouble fitting into a new setting. I thought I had to prove myself because I was now considered an “experienced RN”, not a “new grad”. I felt like a fish out of water and my confidence was seriously lacking. I craved familiarity, but couldn’t find it in any area of my life.
All the while during this self-induced hardship, my relationship with God was growing more and more distant. I knew I needed Him and that I couldn’t do this on my own, but without even realizing, I was still trying to control the situation. I wanted to be like David with his reliance on God during his darkest moments alone in the wilderness.
I knew this is what my mindset should have been and I remember referring to verses like these for the assurance that God was indeed there, but my heart didn’t believe it. it still felt like He wasn’t there and He wasn’t listening to my need for community. Why was He letting me struggle? I tried to find community, visited new churches, met with the very few people that I knew as much as I possibly could, but I still felt so alone. Why wasn’t God listening?
…
Despite the struggles, I still had a wedding to look forward to. Talk about a HIGH high. When I returned to Columbia for the wedding, I was able to see all of our favorite people and was on cloud nine just from being at home. Our wedding was perfect and our honeymoon after was perfect, but towards the end of the honeymoon, the anxiousness set in again. I knew it would all be over soon. I was going back to Arizona alone.
I hit the LOWEST low upon returning from the honeymoon. Alone again and with Trevor’s moving dates changing, there was no end in sight to this misery for me. The one constant in my life at that point was God and I turned my back on Him. I thought He didn’t care and that He wasn’t listening. I doubted His love for me and I thought I was on my own.
That night, I got in the word and found plenty of proof in the Bible that God loved me and that He was with me, making plans for me, and carefully watching over me, but my heart was cold. My mind knew all of these truths, but my heart STILL wasn’t trusting in His words. I was far past the point of believing it. I sobbed and sobbed and didn’t know what to do.
…
As Christians, I think we all go through our ups and downs. Sometimes our hearts are so attuned to God’s voice in our life. Our relationship with Him is easy breezy and we can trust in where He is leading us. We never doubt or question. However, at other times- many times the hardest times- our relationship with Him feels different and more difficult. We feel far away from God and we don’t hear Him, we don’t know what He wants us to do, and we lose trust. We are selfish creatures and are disappointed when God doesn’t react instantly instead of waiting for His beauty to unfold.
This is where I was and I wasn’t sure I could ever recover. I had a discontentment in my heart, a longing for home, my family, my new husband and I couldn’t wait for this time in limbo to be over. I wished away my days and thought that when Trevor arrived, everything would be instantly cured and these feelings would disappear. I was confused when this wasn’t exactly the case.
When Trevor arrived to Tucson I thought we were finally going to be able to start our lives as husband and wife (happily ever after, right?). Many things did improve. After he moved down, I had a community. I finally had someone to physically talk to and see in front of my face, instead of a cell phone. He also knew so many people down here from Sheppard and the Academy and I suddenly had friends! The loneliness that once ached my heart was healing. We had a community to get plugged into and easily found a church to be a part of and even found some other military spouses to talk to. I learned that many of them went through similar trials in transitioning to married/military life and I knew that things were turning around…
However, instead of easing into our new life, we took on a bit more than expected and started renovations on our new property. We were both a teensy bit stressed and knew we had a deadline before Trevor started his training at the end of October. I was still anxious about work and exhausted, and now my “days off” were spent painting and wondering what we had gotten ourselves into. I felt like I couldn’t be the wife Trevor needed because my own emotions were too much to handle.
Slowly, I started rebuilding my trust in the Lord. He had provided us a community and I was thankful for that but I still wondered why my heart felt distant to Him. I was afraid to trust Him again after what I had been through. I was still so emotional all the time and recovering from what felt like PTSD from my move. I kept telling myself that people move all the time. Why was I being such a wimp?
After things got wrapped up with our renovation and we were getting into more of a routine, each day got a little bit easier. I hadn’t really journaled much since the night I returned from the honeymoon and I was afraid to open up that can of emotions again, but I knew that God was the only one who could truly repair my heart. I needed to at least try to understand why He had put me through those dark days. A few days later, it was time. I opened my journal and wrote to God. In time, He revealed to me that He was there the whole time. My own self-reliance and control was blinding me from the good that He was trying to teach me. It took me so long to realize that I was not putting God FIRST in all of this. I was relying on Trevor, on my parents, and on my friends for healing, instead of God. I was bringing all of my worries, my emotions, my attention to them, instead of God. I was attempting to control my situation and plan my whole life without inviting God into the conversation and somehow still expected Him to fix everything instantly. He reminded me that He always carried me in times of worry and doubt, I just needed to trust Him and trust in His plans that were working for my good, even though I was so undeserving.
God is a community through the Holy Trinity and He wants to share that with us. My community, my purpose, my light in the darkness, my savior- it was all there the whole time. He revealed His plans in His time. Everything that I had prayed for was there, but by attempting to take things into my own hands, I wasn’t seeing what He was revealing to me. I was being impatient, trying to make things happen for myself, trying to make plans work out the way I wanted to, without trusting that God would reveal so many GOOD things to me over the next couple of months.
I am so thankful for a God that is merciful, graceful, and loving. His plans are always much better than we can imagine, if we are only willing to trust.
Thank you for reading. If you made it this far, I’m impressed. I promise all of my posts won’t be this long or emotionally draining, but this is why I need an outlet. I hope that God will use this to keep me close to Him and to be a light for others walking through similar situations. He is always with us and we can trust in His steadfast love.
